Donnie and Marie Variety Show Star Wars Show

This interesting incarnation was broadcast in the holiday season of 1977.  It's obvious that Donnie and Marie never took themselves seriously, blessedly.

Spring of 2006 will bring a "Best of" Donnie and Marie collection which will be about 9 hours of best bits from the show.  Let's hope they'll include this sketch so we can all sit in awe of how truly weird and delightfully awful most of the 70's were.

Luke - Donny Osmond  Leia - Marie Osmond     Han - Kris Kristofferson     Obi-Ben - Redd Foxx     Imperial Officer - Imperial Officer Paul Lynde     Darth Vader/Narrator - Thurl Ravenscroft (Tony the Tiger!)     R2D2 & C3PO - Radio controlled and Anthony Daniels, respectively     Chewbacca - Peter Mayhew

(Theme plays. Star Wars incidental music is used in various places.)

Pictures! - Sounds!

Announcer (Ravenscroft): A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . there was an evil force at work to destroy the values by which decent people live. Values like patriotism, cleanliness, thrift and good dental hygiene. Did the evil force win the battle? That's for us to know and you to find out. 

(Enter Luke and Leia. Luke begins the first musical number.) 

Luke: Princess Leia, our goose is cooked, unless we lift off of this star. 

Leia: Luke, I know you're right, we've got to take flight, before they find out where we are. 

Luke/Leia: Darth will be searching up and down, 'Til he finds our hiding place. Before very long, They'll know we're gone. Got to be lost in space. Right up to the stars, we are flying, we are falling. And I can see the clouds rolling by. Right up to the stars, we are sailing, we are soaring. Only thing we can do is try to take the first available flight out of sight. Luke: We are riders to the stars. Leia: We are riders to the stars. Both: We are riders to the stars. (End of the first musical number.) 

Luke: Oh, Look! (Enter the droids.) 

Leia: Oh! Oh, you made it. (R2 beeps to 3PO) C-3PO (to Artoo): Certainly not. That would never work! (Laughter) 

Leia: Oh, if only Obi-Ben Okeefenokee were here! 

Luke: Yeah, he'd tell us what to do. (Redd Foxx as Obi-Ben appears in a composite shot.) 

Obi-Ben: I'll tell you what to do. Why don't you look over there? It's your chance to escape. (He indicates an upright rocket on the stage. Han is leaning up against it, dressed as Han Solo.) 

Leia: Ow, look over there! It's our chance to escape. 

Obi-Ben: I knew I hear it somewhere. (Laughter) 

Luke: Hey, taxi! (R2 beeps at 3PO) C-3PO: Pardon me sir. He says that not a taxi, it's a spaceship. But, that's exactly what we need. (The group moves to the ship.) C-3PO: Excuse me sir. 

Han: What can I do for you? C-3PO: Perhaps you two can explain? (Start of second musical number. R2's beeps form the melody.) Both Luke and Leia: Show us the way to get out of this world, For that's where everything is. Everything is going, I don't want to stay here. Who wants to stick around and watch the world disappear?   

Leia (Indicating R2): His transistors are in trouble and his tubes are weak. 

Luke: And if we stay our chances for survival are bleak. So, 

Both: Show us the way to get out of this world, For that's - where - eve-ry-thing is. (End of the second musical number.) 

Leia: Can you help us escape? Han: If I can't, I know someone who can. (He whistles for Chewie. Chewie appears in the ship and ducks down to step out of it.) (R2 whistles) (Chewie barks at R2) 

C-3PO: Don't be afraid. (R2 beeps) (Start of third musical number. Female back ground vocals are noted in parenthesis.) 

Han: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! He is getting stronger. (Stronger!) He's a getting longer too. Music is a flash in me (I wanna, I wanna) I wanna take you higher. (Higher!) Let me take you higher. Push a few buttons at the fire. (fire!) And take you higher! Han joined by Luke and Leia: Chew-bacca-bacca-bacca! (Like Boom-chaka-chaka-chaka! Help me!) Chew-bacca-bacca-bacca! Chewie! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Bye! (End of the third musical number. 

The group boards the ship and the ramp closes up like a draw-bridge. Obi-Ben appears.) 

Obi-Ben: Most things are changing out here in space. I come from a distant planet called Sanford. My planet has it's own moon, it's own stars and it's own galaxy, but this year, Sanford has no son.  (The character of Lionel had left the show.) (Interior of an Imperial fortress. Stormtroopers march about. A few other extras (female and dressed spacey) also march about. The rocket is shown lifting off. They may have used stock footage of an Apollo-Saturn V liftoff. 

Enter Imperial Officer Paul Lynne dressed as an Imperial Officer.) (Start of fourth musical number.) 

Imperial Officer Paul: Here my voice, Where you are, Hop a plane, Grab a car, On a cloud, On a star, Come back to me! Have you gone, To the moon? A venuisy lagoon, (vin-ew-see: something on Venus?) On a cosmic monsoon? What's your course? Where the force - can you be? Come back to me!  Come back to me! Come back to me! 

(End of the fourth musical number. Enter dressed as Vader.  Voice done by Thurl Ravenscroft) 

Imperial Officer Paul: I didn't except a standing ovation, but what's so funny? 

Vader: You, you intergalactic fool. You'll never get them back that way. 

Imperial Officer Paul: I suppose you have a better plan? 

Vader: No, plan at all. Just a little . . . force. (Vader gestures and a sound is heard. He is causing the ship to return. The ship is shown landing on the screen. If it was Apollo footage, I hope that they didn't run it backwards.) 

Imperial Officer Paul: Ah-ha! You see, they've come back! 

Vader: They had no choice. (The rocket ramp lowers. The group files out.) 

Han: How about it? Is that a perfect landing? 

C-3PO: That's not what we need. 

Leia: But you landed on the same planet. 

Han: But the landing part was perfect. 

Luke: I knew we should have taken a cab! (Start of fifth musical number. About a half-dozen Stormtroopers appear.) Stormtroopers (some background voices are female): We're Darth Vader's raiders and we can't believe the things that you do. (something - rhymes with sight) We never met a troop who'd play hide-and-seek the way that you do. You're outta sight! Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Look out people, 'Cause here we come! We're not really certain what to do with you, So get ready, get ready! ? ? ? ? when we get through with you, So get ready, get ready here we come! Get ready, 'Cause here we come! Get ready, 'Cause here we come! (get ready! get ready!) Get ready, 'Cause here we come! Get ready, 'Cause here we come! Get ready, 'Cause here we come! Gotcha! 

(End of the fifth musical number. The heroes are surrounded. Enter Vader and Imperial Officer Paul.) 

Imperial Officer Paul: You thought you'd get away! Don't you know you'll never escape from the farce? 

Vader: That's the Force! 

Imperial Officer Paul: Oh, don't bother me with grammar at a time like this!

Imperial Officer Paul (to Vader): Oh, don't bother me with grammar at a time like this!

While the Imperial Officer is still scolding Vader, Chewbacca grabs him by the shoulders and neck.

Imperical Officer Paul: Get your big ape hands off me!"

Vader raises his hand, as if he plans to choke someone, then retreats.

Vader "You'll never capture me! And I vow by the power of my Force, I shall return"

The scene fades back to Okey Ben Pinocchi.

Pinocchi: The Force can't touch me. I come from a planet 10 million light years away. Uh, shorter if the lights are with you."

The scene fades back to the courtyard. The Imperial Officer is still held captive my Chewbacca.

Officer (yelling to a departed Vader) "Well, where does that leave me Mr. Ungrateful!"

Chewbacca pulls the Imperial Officer into the cardboard ship.

Everyone (singing, including the reformed Stormtroopers) "You're leaving on a jet plane, Don't know when you'll be back again!"

The ship door slams shut and everyone cheers again, including the Stormtroopers and Stormtrooper Babes.

Leia "Thank you all, your princess is safe at last. Your work is finished."

Artoo: (sighs with relief)

Threepio: "Yes Artoo…"

Everyone (singing & dancing) "Up we go, into the wild blue yonder, striding high into the sky… Riders to the stars, we are flying, we are falling and I can see the clouds rolling away. Riders to the stars we are sailing we are soaring into a brand new brighter day. We are riders to the stars!"

Pinocchi: Can you imagine trying to find your luggage when this trip ends?"

The screen fades to a star field. The helmet of Darth Vader appears and dissolves into a shot of the Millennium Falcon zooming away.

Vader "I vow by the power of my Force, I shall return."

THE END

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